Riorchard's Blues

Bang Wow something just hit me
Holy cow my trousers don’t fit me
My jelly belly’s bursting and my bloody belt is digging in me
Not at all surprising with the amount of bloody tinnys in me
Apple pulp from every gulp of the amber necked her down the pub
My pommy head is mashed and all my thoughts are in a crumble
I’m prostate in my orchard all my jurds are in a wumble
I really should get off my arse I’m scared I’ll take a tumble
I’ll get a cab I’m spinning a smidge
I’ll try and grab one on the bridge
My homing signal’s ringing for my hammock and some singing
Near my super saver box of bow that’s waiting in the kitchen
With a bag of skunk to spice up drunk and maybe throw a pill in
But wait a girl has just walked in and now all that seems boring
I think I’ll drop my anchor but I’m worried ‘bout my moorings
O.K I’ll sail across to – Fuck –It’s seven in the morning

So I sat down beside her with a flagon of cider
In my hand and half a pint in my beard
Looking like a vultures lunch smelling like a bowl of punch
Sounding sick and talking very weird

Bang Ow the toilet just hit me
Holy cow there’s pips comin’ at me
My jelly belly’s heaving and my pommy piss is streaming out me
Though not at all surprising since I sank a vat of Sir Bull Strongy
Apple pulp from every gulp of the amber necked her down the pub
My legs have left my body and my brain is stuffed inside my boxers
I’m frothing at the crotch and my breath is foul and noxious
I really should get up right now and find a fucking doctor

So I fell down beside her and my flagon of cider
Hit her breaking all her teeth and her nose
Thinking I was in with her thinking I could make her purr
Wiping off the blood from her clothes